Day 1

It's raining outside.
Here I am, stuck in the room, with my laptop on, phone plugged to its charger.
Sitting on an uncomfortable chair I got at the cheap store listening to Muzzamil reciting suratul Yasin and al Waqiah. Trying to find some inner peace in this rainy moment.

I feel lonely. There's a huge space in my heart . Longing for something. I know what it is, but still asking myself what it is.

It's true when Allah wants you to get back on track, He will blow this loneliness inside you.

It's been a while, since I last had my deen moment. The moment when you discovered your Lord. Your creator. The world suddenly became unimportant. What I care was what I'll get in the hereafter.
I was so passionate about my deen, about our prophets, about those who came before us.. About the world before our world..

I'm always curious to know.. I found the answers I was looking for.. I was mesmerized by the Quran, every night I'd do some taddabur. Imagine myself being those who got no lights and guidance from Allah. There were times where I would cry.. cry over my sins. My heart was so soft back then.

But now, it becomes hard again.

I'm lost. Deep down I wanna climb up on the track again, but I keep on falling... the road to Allah's paradise is so slippery.. it's like trying to walk up on a wet, steep tiles.. it's hard.

There are times when I'm already back on track, stable.. like I 'd just walk straight on that slippery tiles and try not to fall, but, no. It was harder than I thought it would be. I FELL.

Again and again and again. I lost it. I lost everything. Everything that was once I hold tight in my heart, now it's slowly disappearing ... I'm suffocating!

The battle I have in my my mind and my heart every single seconds! Trying to fight the demons in me. Trying to be good. Trying to soften my heart with dhikr, but I guess the demons are already taking control .

I would cry for Allah's help. The help is always here but I somehow cannot stretch out my hands to reach it. Then I'd go back to my bad self.

I know the battle is not over, I'll keep telling myself that. I'll keep on fighting and I hope Allah will spare me more times because I'm not not gonna book myself a room in hell .